Ce Soir ou Jamais

tonight I write...or never

Sunday, February 27

The perfect night

Last night instead of going shopping for new clothes for my growing girl, and having guys over to play Xbox, our family decided to go to dinner at Jak's. We deserved a nice meal out since I have made it though my first 3 weeks at my new place of employment.

The evening started out perfectly with us getting parking right in front of the restaurant and being seated immediately. (Generally, there is a 45min wait for a table on a Saturday evening.) The turf special was my all time favorite- new york cut served on skewers drizzled with a gorgonzola bechamel. *YUM*. Scott ordered his usual ribeye, and though it is not on the menu- Jak's does not have kids' fare- our waitress Heather was happy to have a grilled cheese and fries made up for Darian. With our drinks in hand- me, the red wine; Scott, the whisky; and Darian, the shirley temple- we toasted to a great family night!

Dinner was lovely. Our meats were cooked to perfection and Darian's cheese on sourdough melted like ice cream in her mouth. It had been some time- over 2 months- since I had enjoyed a glass of red wine, the flavors complementing the meat and cheese, I decided to have another glass. Why not? We were celebrating!

After the check was paid and the decision made to watch Harry Potter 3 at home, we left the restaurant arm in arm. Darian professed her love to us, stating we were the perfect parents. In the back of my mind I thought, 'She really is trying to work a dessert out of us!' Instead, through osmosis, she caught the feeling that mommy gets after she has had a couple glasses of wine. At least, that is what Scott and I thought since she was so love-ey; more so than usual.

On the drive home she asked me to tell her how I knew Daddy had a good heart. I let her know that the moment I saw how well he treated his mother and his brother Jim, I knew he was a good man. This is how the rest of the conversation went:

Darian suddenly cried out, 'I'm crying happy tears! That is so pretty! Mommy, you know what? When you drink wine you look so pretty!'
Scott and I chuckled and I questioned, 'Do you mean that I *act* so pretty after I had a glass of wine?' (The day had been a stressful one and once I had a couple sips of red, I was very mellowed out!)
She answered, 'No, you look so pretty. When you drink wine, you look like a little girl who has been dancing in a bed of flowers.'

And then I started to cry happy tears. What a lovely thing for a daughter to say to her mother. Sure, she's talking about her mom's drinking and while she may be in therapy over it when she is an adult, I hope she revels in the fact that as a child, she thought her mother was perfect.

Wednesday, February 23

Is it time?

Brushing off the dust to find my blog......

Friday upon arrival home from work, a call came in from Darian's friend Alex Doubt. Her parents said that it was OK for Darian to come over and spend the night. Darian spend the night elsewhere in West Seattle? What was her mommy to do? Her daddy already left for work, so a long needed date was out of the question. Her friends, well, not one of her friends is a spur of the moment person so she had no one to enjoy a decaf espresso and conversation. She overstayed her welcome at the Doubt house talking about funding for public school programs, the sensitive side of only child girls, and hand knotted wool rugs. She drove away from the lovely Admiral neighborhood questioning how the rest of her evening would fare. Craving a really big cheeseburger, she went shopping instead, acquiring a new living room lamp and a funky floor mat for the dog's bowl. She was asleep by 9:30.

The next morning, after telling herself she did not need to be up at 4:45, she made coffee and chatted long distance with her mother until 10. Knowing her daughter would not be home for another hour, she cleaned all the spots missed by her housecleaner days before- the windows- grumbling the whole time that next cleaning session she leave a note so that she gets her money's worth. (Darian can clean her own room!) The house cleaned, the dog walked, and the laundry sorted, she felt alone and bored. Oh, there was more work to be done around the house- the outside of the windows!- but is that how she really wanted to spend her totally free/totally me time? Feeling like a loser that she could not find anything to hold her interest away from her family, the doorbell rang. Darian was home! She was clutching her blankie and bear claiming to be 'still sleepy'. (She had stayed up past 11 and woke at 6am!) Mommy followed her wishing to hear about her night with her dear friend to find that her child was sound asleep.

Alone again.